Are you gonna go my way?

Lenny Kravitz- I was born long ago I am the chosen I’m the one I have come to save the day And I won’t leave until I’m done So that’s why you’ve got to try You got to breath and have some fun Though I’m not paid I play this game And I won’t stop until I’m done I don’t know why we always cry This we must leave and get undone We must engage and rearrange And turn this planet back to one So tell me why we got to die And kill each other one by one We’ve got to love and rub-a-dub We’ve got to dance and be in love But what I really want to know is Are you gonna go my way ? And I got to got to know Have you sometimes wonder why things don't always go your way? And why you always feel so negative? I got no idea. You didn't expect me to give you the answer to that did you? I would if i knew the answer. But no one knows it and no one will ever know. So what do we do? Just get on with life and live with it. And what? Continue suffering if things doesn't change? Nah, not for me. I will continue to whine and bitch about it. How can one go through this and keep quiet? I will never do that and most of my friends have come to know that. Things will change and can change if you decide to take actions, steps towards a happy life. And how do you that? Well, you can go on bitching for the rest of your life, ask god for help(ya right) or just wait until your luck improves. I have been through this before and got out of it and by god i will get out of it now. [Action is the antidote to despair]

Armageddon

A pretty relaxing end to the week for me. Went to remove the stiches on friday and now i can move my arm comfortably. Now, i can start with my workout again. Well, perhaps but i do need to take some painkillers. The pain on my arm which i have said before was due to some "stiff" nerves which were affected during the surgery. It hurts by the way. Really hurts. Especially when you try to stretch your arms out to grab something or pick something up from the floor. It bloody hurts. But at least i'm feeling better now than i was a week ago. Watched Armageddon on channel 5 just now and i must say it was a good movie. Its better after you watch it the second time, the first time being years ago. One great scene that caught my eyes was towards the end when Harry Stamper(played by Bruce Willis) sacrificed his life to save the world. That scene caught my eyes in the sense that it made me cry. Yup. I cried. Well, not really cry or wailling but more of a tears in my eyes. At that point of time i felt really vulnerable. Yes, i must admit that i am an emotional guy. I do have feelings and also very sensitive. Unlike most guys who happens to be jerks. So insensitive, no feelings for others and above all, lack emotional intelligence. Alright alright, i'll stop here before i get all emotional and all. Geez, give me a break will ya..... [A.J Frost: If anybody is anybody, I'm Han Solo and you're Chewbacca. Oscar Choi: Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars?]

Pain

Haven't been feeling 100% for the past few weeks especially after the surgery. Even though the surgery was like almost 2 weeks ago, i'm still recovering from it and suffering at the same time. This is because the pain hasn't died off. I'm struggling to keep myself 'alive' at times. I just can't describe the pain in words. But what i can say is that it is just unbearable. Its like you have an open wound and someone is pressing on it. Literally pressing on it. Its not like someone is pressing on my wound but that is how it feels. It just weakens my mind, make my hands and knees weak. And i just discovered also that my left hand(the surgery hand) is becoming weak. I just can't do anything with it now although i can still use the computer and carry light stuffs. Other than that, i can't stretch it and i can only keep it close to my body most of the time. I even got problem wearing shirts. It just freaking hurts. I have never felt such pain and have to endure it for sometime. Even the shin fracture was nothing compared to this. Not able to do anything especially working out just makes it worse. How long can i take this? Hope the answer lies on this friday when i re-enter the surgery room once more. Hope i will get 1 week mc. how about 2 weeks? Aarrggh fuck it..... [You'll never find a better sparring partner than adversity ~ Walt Schmidt]

Order restored

Another useless day at work. Man, i keep saying its work. Its more of a 'report to camp for work' thingy. But anyways, felt kinda different. As usual, i'm being the sensitive person that i am. I won't dwell about anything at work today because i think i rather keep things for today to myself. But just for your info, everything is okay and long may it last. Read an article on blogging today in 'Digital Life'. Blogging is rapidly becoming a part of everyone's life. The article also focused on a blogger, Wendy Cheng. I'm sure some of you know something about her. She was a blogger champion if i'm not wrong. I have linked her blog website so you can check it out. I'm sure you will find it or her, interesting. I think her blog is amazing. Anyways, do check it out okay. Started reading on another Dan Brown's novel, The Da Vinci Code. Hope it'll be just as good as the first book i read previously. I also found out that they will be making a movie on it too. I think its a great idea and i'm looking forward to that. So another day with nothing to talk about really. Thats how it goes in the army. Oh ya, i have finally come to know what is the meaning of pain. [What is living if you don't feel any pain which burn as fuel for our journey]

It's time...

Finally, will be returning to camp since 12th may thurs, the day before the surgery. I think its surreal to be going back to camp after such a lengthy layoff. Hope nothing has really change. Tomorrow will be a day of redemption. A time to come clean. Nothing to hide, no regrets. I got nothing to be afraid of and damn sure i got every right to say anything. Hope nothing blows out of proportions though. [When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you ~ Friedrich Nietzsche]

Believe...Believe what?!

It has been an unbelievable week for me. Not. It's been stupendously shitty week for me. There was nothing for me to do and nothing to keep myself happy. As you would have known by now, i went for a surgery last week and am still recovering from it. My 10 days mc is almost used up. And now i feel like not turning up for work next week. Well, this past 10 days has been truly amazing. Not the amazing where you would be all happy and excited and opening a bottle of champagne. Its not that. The amazing that i'm trying to say is - it is amazing how your brain can just die from the starvation of entertainment, fun and party. Well, you can say that i'm demoralised, depressed and 'dead'. I can go mad i tell you. Been rotting at home and will continue to rot if i don't go out soon. You know what, i feel like i'm going crazy. There are times where i would just be oblivious to everything around me. Not giving a fuck. There are times that i would just say, 'What the fuck am i doing'? I need to get out of this shit-hole i'm in right now and do something. Do something that can make me happy for god sake. I probably can understand now why some people have mental disorder. Don't think pyschological problems are due to genetic hereditary. Things haven't been going according to plan. Reputation to be fix at work and making my brain alive again. Two things on my agenda for next week. Caught X-men 2 on Star Movies just now and it just psyched me up. It woke me up. It made me believe again. It just funny how one thing can make change your life. i'm yet to accounter such things but what happened is only just the beginning. What happened to me, all this pain and suffering are just another phase. But these phase have been going on for too long for my liking. You know what, i could give a fuck about it. There is only one thing that is going to come out from all these, is that i'm going to be much stronger and nothing will ever stop me. For those reading this and trying to make sense of it all, don't bother if you don't understand. If you do understand, then good for you. I'm going through a transitional period and am still trying to make sense of it all myself. [Don't be afraid to always speak your mind because if others don't give a fuck about you, why should you give a fuck about them? The worst thing that can happen though is regret]

Life or something like it

Having got nowhere to go today as i am not able to function like a normal healthy human being, i decided to watch movies on HBO and Star Movies. Couldn't do anything much so i lay down on the couch for almost the whole, watching movies. Then there was this movie titled 'Life or Something like it', starring Angelina Jolie, Edward Burns and Tony Shalhoub. It was quite an interesting piece of story. A homeless prophet/psychotic lunatic(acted by Tony Shalhoub) tells Jolie she's gonna die in a week and she spends her life(within the week of course) trying to find the meaning in her self-serving, career-driven life. Well, of course she didn't believe the guy initially. But after a few predictions from the so-called prophet(like predicting the score of a football game and the weather), she finally realised that it might turned out to be true. Reality sets in and although she didn't turn out to be paranoid and all that but she realised that there is more to life than just be successful, famous and perfect. Sometimes we need to know the meaning of living. I think the story is quite an eye opener(not that much la). It made me think about my life. It made me think about things that i've done, things that i'm doing and things that i want to do. This movie may not be in the class of 'Sleepless in Seattle' or 'The Green Mile' but it sure does make you come to a realisation about something. [Live everyday as if it were your last because one of these days its gonna be your last]

Infected Sebaceous Cyst

A bad week is capped off with a surgery at NUH yesterday at noon. Before you guys think of anything, the surgery is for nothing serious. Basically, i have this lump on my armpit which has been on me for almost a year. When it first came out, i didn't think it was that serious. But the pain suddenly came about a month ago. And i can tell you the pain is unbearable. So i decided its time i removed it, thinking also that i might be cancerous. Thankfully, its not. So, when to NUH, the kent ridge wing for the surgery with my mum. Had to change into the hospital's clothes which actually was quite comfortable except for the disposable underwear. Disposable underwear is not recommended unless of course when you're going for camping or hiking :/ After waiting for quite sometime, i finally went into surgery. How many of you guys have gone for surgery before? Well, the feeling when you're in the surgery room is just surreal. I've only seen in tv shows like Er and what not. The nurses cover me up with two blankets and some other stuff. The room was very cold actually but i wasn't really shivering. The only thing that makes me shiver was the surgery itself. Oh ya, the name of the surgery is 'excision biopsy of the left axillary lump'. Sounds cool right hahaha..... There was this male nurse that kept me comfortable the whole time. He talked to me so as to take my mind of the surgery. Well, it did help initially la. Ok, let me go tell you generally what i went through. First of all, the doctor(or surgeon) was a young guy who looked comfident and assured. That made me feel confident that everything will be fine. Then, he injected 4 times around the infected area. I hate needles so you can bet your ass it hurts when he injected. After a while, my whole arm became numb and throughout the excision, i didn't feel anything but almost at the end, i felt something. I presume that the doctor was using a laser or something to cut out the cyst because i could feel the burn on my flesh. It was fucking painful. Seriously. When he asked me whether i felt anything and i said 'ya', he gave me another injection to make my arm go numb again. So all in all, it took almost 45 minutes before i left the surgery room. The doctor then gave me 10 days MC. Thank god. Because i could hardly bend my arm. I'm walking like a retard. Well, not really like a retard but more like someone who has a broken arm with the arm sling bandage. I'm still in pain as we speak. I could hardly sleep, shave, eat and bathe. So i guess i have to stay at home and get alot of rest. Won't be able to do any workout for the time being also. Was suppose to go out today but don't think i'll be able to make it. sigh.... It has been a year of suffering and we're not even halfway through the year. I can only hope that things would change for the better. *shaking head* I know i will get through this. I just know it. [There is no coming to consciousness without pain]

Angels & Demons

Have been reading Dan Brown's 'Angels & Demons' recently. Finally completed last night and i must say that its a good book. I recommend everyone to read it. I wouldn't want to dwell on the story here, so what are you waiting for? Go get the book and start reading. Hope to start reading on another book by the way, 'The Da Vinci Code' by the same author. Been a hectic week at work especially today. Something happened at work just now but i will talk about it in a while. Been having this shitty feeling inside of me. Well, not really shitty but some sort of anger, frustration and irritation in me. Our tso has been a major dick since day one. He's screwing things up, stirring things and making small problems into a big one. Unbelievable. And he always gets paranoid and obsessive about doing things the right way. There are problems in the store that are well handled by the previous tso-s'. These problems are always solved in a smart way. And not with the "JC" way of doing it. My current tso was from jc and i can tell you that he is not street smart and just doesn't think properly. That is why i don't really like JC people. There are exceptions thankfully. The talk of OCS letting in people from JC is just damn true. I mean, its not really a well kept secret but getting these kind of people into OCS to be leaders, its just damn depressing. I don't want to say it but you JC guys just suck. Like i said before there are exceptions. With the tso being a dick, the rest of the guys have been jerks. They just make my blood boil. Inmature with zero emotional intelligence. Thats what they are. Sometimes we have to be sensitive with what we say to the people around us. These jerks don't know anything about it. Finally, after weeks of enduring, i let it off. I have never been so fucked my whole life. I won't describe it in detail but i can tell you one thing. It felt good. When you release the anger and frustration inside of you, you can feel a rush of blood to the head that you just feel like beating someone up. Seriously. I felt better afterwards and i've got no regrets about it. I could give a fuck about what these people think. I may have crossed the boundary of 'what the fuck is wrong with you' or 'are you crazy' and regardless of what peopke thinks, i don't have any regrets whatsoever and i just hope that they'll realise what it means to have feelings and not be a jerk. Son of bitches. [Never argue with a jerk, because they will drag you to their level and beat you with experience]

Hanging in there...

Nothing much the past week. Its either there's nothing to talk about or something insignificant took place. Well, its much of the latter. Went to work half heartedly the whole week. Almost everyone felt the same way. The only thing we were looking forward to was watching movies in store. Seriously. Some of us would bring dvds albeit secretly la. That depressing mode is seeping into me recently. I think my time in the army is taking its toll. I may not be in the jungle, eating combat rations. I may not be running, marching and sweating in the sun. I may not be doing stupid, crazy and common-senseless things in the army(SAP=standard army procedures=bullshit). But everyone is in the army. Army. I just can't wait to end this national service. And i'm sure i'm not the only one. Well, except for those bird-brained regulars(there are exceptions however) Been recalling memories about my poly days. It was the best years of my life. Well, perhaps not academicaly but still i had so much fun. If only i could turn back time. And if i could, i would make it ten times more fun than it was. *sigh* And during those times, you just didn't want the year to go by so quickly. Nowadays, its different. I can't wait for this year to end. That's what i'm looking forward to. December 31, 2005. I just can't wait. After that, 2006 comes and ten more months to the end of army. ORD oh!!

Mad World

Gary Jules - All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere And their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tommorow, no tommorow Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you Cos I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad World [Can't ever keep from falling apart]